I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
What a dumb baby whore.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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