I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
