When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
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After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
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Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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