i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
