I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
