how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
