i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
