if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
