So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
