So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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