My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
