I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
