its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just blew my weed a kiss
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
