just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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