and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
