I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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