I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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