the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
