I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
