John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
