I am puke
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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