Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
