i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
