somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
