Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
