I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
