based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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