You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
