what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
