I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
