wrigley field is MILF paradise
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
