Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
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bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
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i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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