I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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