you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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