I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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