I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
