I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
then he tried to convert me to islam
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So much rum. So many feels.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
