we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
is it fun? or sober?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
