First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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