I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
