i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
