I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...