Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
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All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
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I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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