If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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