Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
