I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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