Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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