i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
