did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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