I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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