I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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