I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
