I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
