just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
