Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
In the future we'll all be gay
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
